When those feral ducks you’ve been herding get to line up on your carefully constructed wall and joyously quack to the same song sheet, that’s no cacophony. It’s coherence and it’s magic.
Coherence isn’t serendipity. It’s more than right place, right people, right time. It happens as a result of clarity of purpose, focus and energy, courage and constancy.
That’s a formidable list of attributes, but I’ll shoot* one of those ducks if you don’t admit that they’re each evident in every successful person you aspire to. Not ‘I just got lucky’, ‘it was nothing’ or ‘I’m just super-talented, amazing and what else would you expect’ stuff, but hard, sometimes gut-churning endurance. *figuratively speaking.
We don’t get to coherence by tossing a few dice in the air and hoping they’ll all land as sixes. We get there because we’ve sought help to dive deep, work out why we do what we do, had a plan to get from A-Z, the forbearance to see it through and believed in ourselves enough to keep at it.
The success coherence brings isn’t about glamour and glitz. It isn’t Disneyland and a mansion with an ocean view. It’s NOT The Secret. It’s about being in a place of wellbeing, where enough for you and those you love is simply enough. Read Brene Brown‘s book, Daring Greatly, she tells this story well.
When direction is misdirection
Once we hired extremely badly and didn’t fire fast enough. When he’d done with us, our ducks were blasted from the sky and lay strewn, bloodied and shredded.
Here’s the thing. Before we hired him, the poor creatures were already exhausted. They’d been flailing the air looking for the wall to land on, but we kept changing the co-ordinates. Our direction was misdirection. We were as doomed as the ducks.
We weren’t listening
We weren’t listening to our customers. Nor were they listening to us, because if we were talking it came from a place of pain. You simply can’t have deep, intensive listening happening when you’re shredded.
We went back to the drawing board. What we needed now was a new flock of ducks and to rebuild our wall. But to do that we had to take stock of where we’d failed.
We’ve all heard it said that unless you’ve failed you cannot succeed. Depending on the scale of the failure that’s a tough lesson. Or, when you fail you can see it as the precursor to success.
Review and rebuild
We spent some time mulling over those sad little carcasses. Then we buried them and spent a much greater time understanding the value of what we had to offer, for whom and how to manifest it in a way that served.
Empathy. A great thing.
One day, I learned a great thing. It was the notion that to talk about your offer in any framework to anybody, before you had a comprehensive understanding of their deepest issues was greatly disrespectful. I’m not disrespectful, so the idea caught me by the throat.
This was more than asking the right questions and listening deeply. It was about empathy. The ability to truly understand the needs and feelings of another.
Was this to be a saintly exercise? Was it possible to feel empathy for those whose understanding of your services: the scope, the intent, the outcomes, the bill, was so contrary you may as well be speaking a dialect of Swahili. Unless your halo was large and shiny, clearly no.
Something needed to change radically then for empathy to come into play. What changed was alignment.
It started with an exhaustive exercise in deeply understanding who it was I should best work with. There needed to be a filtering process so that both they and I would know when it was a fit. I explored every possible issue a business owner who was the right fit might face, examining each as if it were precious. As it was.
Was my solution a match? Would it align with the belief inherent in my offer? That the intersection of head, heart and the web is a powerful inspiration in the hands of a business owner to build their business and make a difference for others?
When it did, it got a tick and went into the coaching program. So it built. And along with it the wall.
The end (or nearly)
Some of my ducks are still flapping around, but many are landing, even jostling for space.
What I’ve discovered is this, with alignment comes coherence. With coherence, a different way of being.
You work with people you have innate empathy for, like a lot and want to succeed. In turn, they value you, look forward to spending time with you and not surprisingly, you talk the same language.
Seven slow steps to coherence
1. Do courses that teach clarity and purpose. Get a coach. No really, this deep diving is excoriating, it benefits from some hand holding.
2. Brainstorm regularly (rules of a brainstorm here). Feed the results into the mix. Cross check from one to the other.
3. What’s your purpose? Ask ‘why’ ceaselessly, like a child. Curiosity leads to exploration, leads to discovery.
4. Who is your ideal client? This is a work in progress. Read your testimonials, they provide great clues.
5. Consider even the smallest issue your ideal client might have. Check with them. If your offer doesn’t solve it then add it in.
6. Accept it takes patience and perseverance for your ducks to line up. Years even. But you’re never getting today back so enjoy the ride.
7. Blog about it. When you’re certain or uncertain, blogging clarifies. And it builds your clan. (Think fierce, loyal business family).
Are you and your business coherent? Please share it with us if you have.
Another post in the brilliant blogging Word Carnival monthly events. This month’s topic is ‘Better Client Communications. Are we on the same page, talking the same language?”
Clarity is power! Fabulously said, Sandy. And I’m so happy that your ducks are landing.
Tea Silvestre recently posted…My Big Why: On Motives, Mentors, and Defining Moments
Clarity is power! Love it. Well they had a bit of a flurry today when my site went down. And here am I preaching control in the online space. I think it is called getting one’s own house in order.
SandyMc recently posted…Coherence is the business
What a great metaphor, Sandy. Glad to know your ducks aren’t getting shredded any more. I love the idea of feeling empathy for your clients.
Sharon Hurley Hall recently posted…Are You and Your Writing Clients Speaking the Same Language?
Hi Sharon, thank you, it was not enjoyable and most uncomfortable for the poor ducks too! I wonder if they teach the concept of empathy in business classes? If not, they should.
SandyMc recently posted…Coherence is the business
Sandy, the most poignant thing you said here is that it is nearly impossible for anyone else to understand your situation unless you have your own ducks in a row first.
Coherence is such a difficult concept for people to understand, because it’s more than just harmony, coherence is harmony plus resonance. Harmony is the result of effort, good work, hard work, and long hours. Resonance is an inherent trait, Something that comes from nature, those ideals you naturally gravitate towards.
For Americans in particular, it’s a much easier concept to understand the idea of somebody who just rubbed you the wrong way. This is the opposite of resonance, it’s dissonance. Cognitive dissonance, combined with emotional dissonance is the opposite of coherence. It looks and feels like a task that you have absolutely no motivation to accomplish, and wouldn’t do if your life was even marginally in danger.
This is a great post, and what should really be clear is that with less natural resonance between you and your clients, the amount of work you must do to achieve harmony increases exponentially.
Nick Armstrong recently posted…Can You Hear Me Now? How to make sure you and your customers are speaking the same language (you probably aren’t)
THank you Nick and for your valuable insights into coherence. Love the equation you have drawn, coherence = harmony + resonance, I shall be thinking on this. And too, that you have related it to an exponential increase in work (and trouble) when it doesn’t exist.
SandyMc recently posted…Coherence is the business
Being a highly visual person, the ducks on a wall (and those poor bloodied ones), provide a perfect metaphor. I think Nick’s example of how being dissonant yourself makes it even harder to create resonance with others. Right now we’re seeing lots of Canadian Geese passing through, heading south for the winter. While most are organized in large flocks, there are the occasional loners or odd pairs. They seem to circle around, confused, even flying north (oops), trying to figure out what’s going on and how to get organized. I think they need to have a talk with the ducks on the wall.
Nicole Fende recently posted…Client Communication Explained by Prime Numbers
IT’s a rather forlorn picture to think of a business owner as the sole geese heading in the wrong direction, but don’t we know a few of those. And there have certainly been times in our decades of being in business where we have hightailed it off in completely the wrong direction at rather nasty cost! Should have been thinking prime numbers I think Nicole!
SandyMc recently posted…Coherence is the business
“You simply can’t have deep, intensive listening happening when you’re shredded.” I love this Sandy! You must, you simply must, listen to and then speak to their emotional need before you present any sort of offer, and you can’t do that if your emotions are crowding the conversation. I loved this post!!
And yes, get a coach. They do wonders for clarity, consistency, and strategy.
Ashley recently posted…Same Meaning, Different Language: How to Clear Up Your Client Communications
That’s brings such clarity to that thought Ashley. Emotions crowing the conversation. Sadly I remember too many times when that happened, and always with poor consequences, but hey! it’s never too late to learn. Thanks for stopping by!
SandyMc recently posted…Coherence is the business
Sandy, I would like to come to your wall 🙂 I feel like we just threw all our ducks in the air and said, “Wait! I’m working on it!” I do agree, we need to have clarity and EMPATHY. That’s a big one yet often overlooked in the race for ROI. I love your take on things and the way you tell a story. The ducks were perfect!
Carol Lynn recently posted…What Does WordPress Security Have In Common With Soylent Green?
Thank you Carol Lynn, I am always delighted when someone suggests I have told a good story, makes me very cheerful! And I would LOVE to have you on my wall, you would I believe make an excellent fist of getting any errant stragglers into line 🙂
SandyMc recently posted…Coherence is the business
“… to talk about your offer in any framework to anybody, before you had a comprehensive understanding of their deepest issues was greatly disrespectful.” <– HOLY COW. This is one of those "seems so simple and obvious but when you REALLY get it, it smacks you upside the head with a 2×4" moments for me. I'm gonna need a moment to mull that over. Great post, Sandy.
Annie Sisk recently posted…Making the Client-Expectation Pieces Fit Without Losing Your Ever-Lovin’ Mind
So didn’t want to hit you with a 2×4 Annie, but delighted that it gave you reason to mull. I had the same reaction when I heard it and with some shame faced recall, remembered seemingly interested people backing away as I expounded the virtues of whatever I was offering at the time. Clearly I was wide of the mark!
SandyMc recently posted…Do you think you’re hospitable?