What is courage really?
Courage is a sword wielding hero slaying the dragon against insurmountable odds? Or is it? Some might say in its story telling interpretation, that borders on mania. Or stupidity.
Perhaps we fail to acknowledge the courage many manifest in small daily acts, especially in our online communications, because we have a distorted view of it through this lens of absurd bravery.
What is brave is to pursue your truth to lead and engage in an increasingly complex online world.
When there is little to guide us
Social norms once immutable have been bending for decades, and behaviours denounced in previous generations as unacceptable are now part of normal life.
Business practises and employment opportunities are not as they were were realised and managed even a year ago.
In both, we are writing new rules of engagement as we go, and as the lines between professional and personal lives become even further blurred.
The online world has presented us with the possibility to connect with multitudes in a microsecond, and the ability to voice opinion from the safety of our keyboards.
In this world, we are faced with daily dilemmas, because we don’t live by rigid social codes any longer to guide us toward the ‘right and only’ decision in life or in business.
Digital immediacy and our online connectivity, emails, text messages, Facebook et al, demand we give an instant response.
We want things sorted, dealt with, understood, acted on, dismissed and responded to. Now.
The courage to stand still
It takes courage to stand still in the face of this. To take the time to make a considered response, with no agenda beyond the greater good.
Alan Alda, that remarkable man of so many talents beyond Hawkeye in the long running TV series, Mash, said in a recent interview, that there was a disconnect between a bomber pilot, the button they pushed and the children they killed as a result.
He said much the same about digital communications. There is a disconnect between hitting the send or submit button and the effect the words might have on others.
It takes courage to think first, to be courteous, and kinder than you need to be.
What legacy can we pass on
So, how can we embed this courage and then teach it to our little ones in a world where change is their only certainty and social mores will morph with the tide?
Our grandchildren are unlikely to ‘enter’ the job market or think about having a career. They are more likely to invent their own work as a portfolio with volunteering and continuous learning as part of their norm.
So much more for them will depend on clear, courteous communication, especially online.
How can we lead by example, so they learn the necessary communications skills to act rather than react? To be always in their truth, no matter how distorted the lens others put on it. To lend their voices only to the greater good, to resist the trap that a lack of empathy for others pulls us into.
21 ideas for a courageous code of behaviour
We could start by defining a code of courageous behaviour for how we communicate online.
These are only ideas, not in any particular order, but I know that each one of them takes courage to act on.
I’ve failed in them all
With the benefit of hindsight, I wish I could have been more courageous than I was at the time. But that is how we learn and perhaps how we can teach others. I’d love to hear your thoughts.
1. Filter what you have to say through your or your organisation’s purpose. That means you have to have a purpose you can articulate with belief in the first place.
2. Be clear. Both in intent and in integrity.
3. Stand by your principles. That means you have to know what they are.
4. Be relentless in pursuit of the truth (Courtesy Geraldine Coy, Brave Truth), so you can be impartial and make fair decisions about what you communicate.
5. Don’t say anything to anyone online (that means emails, Facebook, forums, comments) that you wouldn’t say if you were face to face.
6. Consider what you say not just in your words, but in your tone. A sentence heard and a sentence read can mean two completely different things. If necessary, speak your thoughts. People should hear the meaning implicit in your tone.
7. Consider your agenda. Are you communicating something that says one thing, but means another. I’m told by my daughters that’s passive aggression.
8 What’s the outcome you hope for? Define it. Would it be better achieved by a call?
9. Use the three drawer policy (courtesy Roger McDonald). Write what you feel. Put it in the first drawer. Filter it for offensive comment and passive aggression. Put it in the second drawer. Then consider the outcome for the benefit of everyone and be kinder than you need to be. Take it out of the third drawer and send it. Often by then any heat will have dissipated.
10. Suck it up. (Courtesy of a very good friend). Whatever has offended or upset you, take it on the chin. Be nicer than you have to be. Reacting will never win the day.
11. Be still for a while. Reacting in haste will never win the day either!
12. When you are in a bind, a situation from which you cannot see any clear resolution, talk to those you trust and who can be objective. Take their advice and act on it. It is never so bad as you think it is.
13. There are just some situations you cannot win within. Retire. If it is wasteful of everyone’s energy, then continuing to try is just that, a waste of energy.
14. What’s the worth of a win anyway? Often the outcome isn’t worth the agony. Especially if money is at stake. I can cite a dozen or more cases where arguing the case for a financial outcome was either weeks or months of a waste of resources (and more money) for no outcome, or worse a phyric victory. You got the money or part of it, or you made your point, but lost the client. And your sanity into the bargain.
15. Don’t be too hard on yourself. When things get messy, you are rarely the only one responsible. Self flagellation will likely compound the drama.
16. Avoid drama. No one ever comes out well in a soap. Long before things approach the histrionic, find a way to exit with dignity.
17. Apologise when you have done wrong, with sincerity. Apologise even if you don’t believe you’ve done wrong for what is happening, not necessarily what you’ve done, if it will ameliorate the situation for the greater good.
18. Don’t be afraid to lead with vision. It might mean you’ll have your head blown off sometimes, but without people who have ideas and act on them, much good would not be done in the world.
19. Stand up for what you believe in, but never with anger or rudeness or discourtesy. We’ve all read those self- aggrandising, entitled, finger wagging responses on social media that make you cringe for the writer. They don’t serve anyone well.
20. Consider empathy. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes. How does it feel to be them? This is the most courageous act of all. You will communicate differently if you do. It might not mean you succeed in whatever your desired reality is, but it’ll give you the courage to accept it.
21. Be grateful for what you have. It is in upholding genuine gratitude for our live’s blessings that we can be a bigger person, able to be vulnerable, courageous and in control of our online communications.
Absolutely excellent principles, Sandy. I believe #5 and #6 are part of my DNA. Courtesy and mindfulness are a much better way to get opinions across.
Thank you Sharon 🙂 #6 is so interesting. What you say in speech can be interpreted so completely differently in writing, even when the exact same words are used. Courtesy and Mindfulness are both principles we need to help our younger generations incorporate into their DNA.
SandyMc recently posted…Managing digital communication with courage
Great thoughts, Sandy. When I was in law school, and as a young lawyer, I’d often hear clients say things like “Yes, I know this lawsuit will be hard but it’s the principle of the thing!” Wise older and more experienced attorneys *all* had basically the same response – some variation of “Your principles are going to be very expensive. Are you sure you’re ready to pay that much?”
I also give a hearty “WHAT SHE SAID” to the bit about just not putting it online at ALL if you wouldn’t say it to the person involved face to face. Curt Schilling and so many others are learning the hard way that the internet is always forever, no matter how hard you delete something.
That is just such a pervasive attitude in some industries Annie. It seems morally bankrupt to me.
What is the difference between going with the flow because that is just the way it is, and ignoring brutality, corruption and government inaction around the world, all with the consequence of shattering lives, because that is just the way it is. I don’t think that is such a long bow.
The risks of misbehaving online are great and something we ought to be working with our young ones to understand from an early age. Just learning that, not to say anything you wouldn’t say face to face, might be sufficient reminder perhaps? I hope so.
Thank you for your visit and comments Annie, much appreciated.
SandyMc recently posted…Managing digital communication with courage
I love your list. And I think I’d move #11 up to #1. We all need to just step away from our computers when the rage feelings happen.
Here in the U.S. it feels like a constant war between the different political factions and I’ve seen true and unexpected ugliness from people I thought I knew.
I’ve also seen lives destroyed wholesale all for the want of stepping back for a moment, giving people the benefit of the doubt, and resisting the urge to pile on. Mob mentality is one of the worst attributes of our species.
Thank you for writing and sharing your thoughts. We need more of this thinking if we want to have any hope of making it out with our souls intact.
True Tea, the first thing to do is to stop for a while. Thinking back on so many client conversations over the years, the ones that went wrong quickly were the ones in which we reacted. In fairness, usually because they were angling for a reduction in cost, or something more for free, or sabotaging the process which was more usual than it supposes. A reaction from us usually took the lid off and whatever was going to suppurate did so quickly, creating a sort of vortex effect which seemed irredeemable and mostly with irretrievable consequences.
My friend whose advice was to suck it up, is in a very tense and fractious industry. She has found the only way to deal with that is to stand back, take stock and then go back in with a concillatory approach, even when people are being abrasive and threatening to withhold scads of money. Very brave in my opinion.
Totally agree re the mob mentality. You in the States and the world does seem to be witnessing that at the moment as people get whipped up by the fractious utterings of some in leadership contention.
I am so glad this is a conversation you consider worth having. I started last year with an article on courtesy, but I think there is a much bigger dialogue to be had here and one that should involve the digital natives as they grow up and move into positions of responsibility and leadership in the world. We ought to be leading by example, although that doesn’t look that way right now, does it.
Thank you so much for coming by, it is so lovely having you visit WYMB again!
SandyMc recently posted…Managing digital communication with courage
I’m going with #11–Be still for a while. I notice my knee-jerk reactions are hyped up the more time I spend on social media. Being still helps me come back to my center.
This is a great list to refer to again and again.
Thanks Blaze, being still is quite hard, especially when you feel aggravated. I should also have said being still in one self. As one might not be active in a communication, but that doesn’t mean you are not very active inside your mind. It’s stilling the mind, just to get enough clear air to think straight that can be so hard. Thank you Blaze, I shall add to it I think, because folk like you keep prompting new thinking. Thank you so much for coming by.
SandyMc recently posted…Managing digital communication with courage
I love the “don’t be too hard on yourself” part. When I was learning how to practice Shambhala meditation at a retreat a few years ago, one of our wise teachers told us that a big part of meditation is being gentle with yourself.
She told us that we should never scold ourselves for “failing” at meditating (i.e., not being able to “stop” our thoughts completely); we’re always learning, and failing, and trying, and the key is to be very gentle with ourselves.
Once we accept our humanness (*ahem* our flaws), we can tap in to our natural compassion for others and, most importantly, ourselves!
Being gentle with ourselves should also be part of what we are taught from day dot, I agree Molly.
I listen to my girls teaching their babies, they are always saying to be gentle, I wonder how that will translate to saying be gentle with yourself. We are our very worst critics and that is not always helpful in a dialogue. Accepting our humanness is also not as easy as it should be. Brene Brown may have hit the nail on the head when she said only those who feel worthy can communicate with vulnerability.
Thank you for coming by Molly.
SandyMc recently posted…Managing digital communication with courage
Above all else, be nice to folks; you never know what they’re going through. #20 all the way – as empathy is a skill we (especially in the US) are not taught explicitly. It’s part of the reason our political parties are so divisive.
I tend to be ridiculously good at arguing my point, but I’m that way because I genuinely listen and care about the opposing argument and the person making it. Part of being a responsible adult is learning how to effectively negotiate with each other’s ideas. Short that, we’re all just kids on the playground yelling at one another.
Listening is the first step. Open mind is the second (which requires that you’re not rehearsing what you’re going to say when the other person shuts up).
All in all, great considerations Sandy!!
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We have been watching the political race in the USA with our hearts in our mouth Nick. Although divisive and combative politics is very much what we endure here too. How often do we all think if only these guys could be bi-partisan on this, we would have a solution. In other words collaboration. Seems harder than it should be.
You make a good case that you can argue the point if you are genuinely listening to the opposing argument. I think I missed that off the list. Active listening. Very important. I might make it 22, courtesy of you. And that if you are listening, you are not rehearsing. Thank you Nick, lovely to have you back here.
SandyMc recently posted…Managing digital communication with courage
“Be still…” That would probably solve most of the world’s communication problems in one fell swoop! Especially online, people are incredibly, let’s call it “unhelpfully” reactionary. It’s why you can tweet something in the morning and have your life ruined by it before the sun sets.
“Avoid drama.” If only! It’s exhausting to be in a constant whirlwind of outrage and opinion. Just shut up and post a photo of your dinner!
Everything you’ve said here makes perfect sense. And I think we have all failed at some point at some of them (I know I have). I hope this serves to remind people of their better natures. The internet needs help.
Shut up and post a photo of your dinner. Hahahahaha Carol Lynne. You always make me laugh! Drama depletes everything, creativity, energy, resources and time, especially online. It is the exact opposite to universally lifting a situation up and onwards together and in collaboration.
Looking back on a lifetime of client servicing, it would have been handy to have had this lens on occasion. Failing is really the only way to learn, unless we are innately wise. Some are I’m sure. Whatever I’ve learned enough from to know in advance what code of behaviour I must apply to a situation has been through getting things wrong and having to figure out why. Even the times when it was undeserved. Those events are more painful, but you learn more from them I think.
Thank you so much for coming by and for your comments.
SandyMc recently posted…Managing digital communication with courage
The idea of fighting a dragon being assinine rather than courageous stopped me cold. It’s a great twist on how to look at something I had looked up to and loved to read about. That set the stage for a wonderfully thought-provoking read.
Your entire list deserves a plus one. Number 5 also resonates strongly with me, as it’s a good variation of the rule I learned as a child, “Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want everyone to read about on the front page of paper.”
A suggestion to other strong extroverts like me. We often need to purge our feelings through talking or writing. When upset I’ll write a burn letter – something in which I can get out all my thoughts, but then burn it. Or in today’s digital world, delete it. This allows me to follow the very important #11, don’t respond in haste.
P.S. Sandy in my mind courage should be defined as doing what is right in the face of fear.
Dear Nicole, how lovely to have you visit the site, even though I am replying belatedly. Secretly really pleased that you got my analogy from slaying the dragon. And that you found the blog thought provoking. Number 5 and 11 seem to have resonated with most. There were a few more I needed to add too, including listen first. Love your definition of courage which also tells me I have some work to do!
SandyMc recently posted…Managing digital communication with courage